It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
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A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
what could possibly go wrong?
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.