I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
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*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
As the Lord intended
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.