I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
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Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
Tastes like chicken.
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
How wrong was this guy?
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
Room with a view.