I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
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Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
A babysitter allowed our 4 year old to eat 5 loaves and 2 fish! I had 5000 men coming over that this food was for..
Our dog knows way too many phrases now, so my husband and I have resorted to talking like Victorian nobility to get anything by him. “Have you taken the dog on a brisk adventure recently? Would you escort the canine to the backyard, forthwith? Has he supped yet?”
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions