Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
You Might Also Like
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying