Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
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Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
What the dentist sees
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2