Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
You Might Also Like
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
what kind of cook setting is this??
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out