At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
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me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?