At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
You Might Also Like
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.