This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
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Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
the way this pissed me off… 😭
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.