I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
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[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
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NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
okay run it by me one more time
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
Worth a try
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
[on my way back to the posting caves]
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.