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Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
My boss: you seem distracted todayâŚ
Me: sure, Iâll get that for you asap.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
I forgot the word âumbrellaâ so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb Iâve always wanted
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
For once Iâd like to get kicked INTO a bar
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
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âđ Traps
âđElaborate traps
âđ Roadrunner traps
âđElaborate roadrunner traps that work
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Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkinâ
Come on down to Professor Cookieâs Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
I donât understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
Old people always be like âwow youâve put on some weight since I last saw youâ in front of everybody.