@wildrainbow2

Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*

3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*

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@alispagnola

Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.

@breakfastbeerz

Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”

@dogfather

Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”

[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]

@UNDEADTRESOR

If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.

@tastefactory

BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir

@TheHatdog

Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?

@whalesmells

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo

@AimeeHelene1

*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*

@TitansHomer

[High School Reunion]

Him: I started my own Law Firm last year

Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story

@CruisinSoozan

I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS