My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
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Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.