@wildrainbow2

Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*

3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*

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@Home_Halfway

Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.

@Fathom_this

Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic

@wittwitbarista

Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?

@ozzyunc

Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.

@FlyJ_

I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.

@CherBear162

I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.

@zachary_lampley

(Business)

Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.

Bob: I have a better idea.

@aka_fatman

Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.

[126 minutes]