Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
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DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
tis the season
I like long walks away from everyone
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.