When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
You Might Also Like
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet