I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
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Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
“our sushi is very fresh”
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
I’m giving up ice.
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?