Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
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“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*