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“That’s so cool,” she lied.
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
That’s not how days work.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
What the hell happened in there??
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.