“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
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FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.