When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
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Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
Hey I worked for it too!
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭