“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
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I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut