“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
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OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
this is how the alphabet looks from above
– – – – – – – – · – – – — – – – – – – – – – — – – –
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
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Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.