I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
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Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
#Caturday
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long