#Caturday
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[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.