Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
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your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
emergency phone
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.