What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
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Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.