Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
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[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
Happy birthday to all the women
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!