pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
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I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
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a
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Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.