You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
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If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
Banderslack Clamberdorch
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites