According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
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Lucky old June.
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
yea so i messed up lol
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go