Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
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If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?