If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
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my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.