If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
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Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”