Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
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Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
I bet
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Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back