Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
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I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat