A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
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Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home