I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
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Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
something like this could probably happen to anyone
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
respect
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
Fidel Castro was alive?
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.