Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
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I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
<—- homeless romantic
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
found this cool rock hiking today
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.