Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
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If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
Happy thanksgiving!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
My circle of trust is a meatball
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
i have one speed and it’s mosey
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”