Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
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*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
I’m listening
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks