Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
You Might Also Like
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
jesus christ confetti not now
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.