(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
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Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
From Facebook just now…
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.