Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
You Might Also Like
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.