Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Merica.

I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.

6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.

Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”

Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.

One last time…

It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!

It’s that simple.

Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.

I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.

[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care

[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming

“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?

People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.

Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”

I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.

[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”

The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them

[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]

Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*

[repeat ad infinitum]

Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.

[during sex]

me: imma turn the ceiling fan on

giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo

Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.

We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.

Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die

Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!

Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?

Gandalf:

Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way

Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?

When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.

I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”

Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.

Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??

10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s

The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified

Dear ladies,

if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.