Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
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The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
Siri: Retweet me.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.