What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
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Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
No one :
Me when I swimming :
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.