BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
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Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
i have one speed and it’s mosey
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!