Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
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My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
This is my brand.
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
crazy
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.