Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
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An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
I think my mom just blocked me
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART