I think my mom just blocked me
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Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”