Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
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Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
⛄️
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.