Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
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She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
so this horse walks into a bar
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Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*