so this horse walks into a bar
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you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
“HELP WITH CAT”
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…