you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
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On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”